The Space Between

The space between

the tears we cry
is the laughter
keeps us coming back for more.
Dave Matthews

That one sentence gets me every time. Things that are true have a tendency to do that, ring down into the deepest part of your soul, hit you right ~there~.

When you adopt a special needs child; even the most beautiful, healthy, gorgeous child, you sign up for uncertainty and what-ifs and could-be's. You don't think about it constantly, but it's there all the same, a little shadow in the corner. You learn the science and the statistics and you pray that you are not one of the unlucky few. You go to work and send your kid to school and you just live a typical suburban life...until the day the shadow steps into the center of the room and you realize you've come to the end of this space between.

...deep breath...

So...Maggie has been having a few issues lately. Not a big deal, comes with the territory with kids born with fetal tumors. We took her up to Gillette for an MRI, an ultrasound and other pictures. What they found turned out to be a very big deal. She has a new tumor and it is pressing on things inside and that is why she is having symptoms. It is attached to what little is left of her tailbone from her original surgery. They did a blood test and they are fairly certain that her tumor is benign, but they will not know that for certain until it is removed and they send it to the U for testing. We met with Dr. Saltzman, the Chief of Pediatric Surgery from the U of M, and he will perform her surgery on July 18th at Gillette in St. Paul. He will resect her new tumor and the rest of her tailbone. If all goes well, she should be home by the 20th. Recovery will take a few weeks and she won't be able to ride her bike for a while. She should be back up to 100% by the time the new school year starts after Labor Day.

[That whole thing about sending the tumor in for testing - we are not talking about that elephant in the room right now.]

What we need from you - Prayers, we will accept prayers of any and all kinds. We are not picky! Pray for complete healing, pray for guidance for her doctors, pray to the Virgin Mary to watch over our child, pray that I can find gluten free food in the hospital cafeteria (hey, momma needs love too). Pray to God, Buddha, all the Catholic saints, we don't discriminate over here. Light a fire and dance naked around the desert if you must (just don't share the pictures on Facebook).

Also, please say a prayer of thanksgiving that we live in Minnesota and have great doctors just up the road.

Do whatever it is you do to send positive healing light and love to our baby girl.

What we don't need right now - tears, pity, awkwardness. And for God's sake, no one is allowed to buy her a pony!

We have hit the end of our space between, but that's okay. There's another one coming and we can see it from here.

08/03/11 Update:
Maggie's surgery went off without a hitch on the 18th. He had planned for a 2-3 hour surgery and was in and out in 55 minutes. When he removed her tailbone, the tumor came right out with it and that was all that was needed. She spent just one night at Gillette Hospital, and was home by lunchtime the next day. The recovery period that was supposed to last 2-3 weeks only took one week!

We had an appointment with her surgeon last Monday and he told us that the elephant in the room was gone. The tumor was completely benign, he got good margins, we're done. Just follow ups every 4 months for a year. It was at that point that I realized I had been holding my breath since May.

He also took her off all restrictions. She can do whatever she wants, no worries. Bike, swim, play...whatever! We got home that afternoon and she asked me, "does this mean I can be a horse again?". Yes, Maggie, gallop to your hearts content.
We Are Done!

I would like to thank everyone who prayed for our girl. My Facebook friends and your prayer groups, my LWB friends, and my Yahoo group friends who asked for "complete and pain free healing".
It worked, prayers were answered and we are so very grateful.

Another update on our LWB babies

As I told you all last week, Ruby has been matched with her forever family and they will be picking her up on May 24th! I sent an email to the LWB Medical Coordinator and received an update on little Margaret this morning. She is so precious!





Here's what her March report said:

Margaret seems to be doing quite well and has recovered nicely from
her surgery! We have been told that she is able to roll over and sit up on her
own now. She has a hearty appetite and is a good sleeper. Margaret still sleeps
on her tummy because of the surgery, though.
Your generosity has made such a difference to Margaret! Thank you so much!

Quiet Miracles

I don't talk much about XiaoXian and the condition it was in before LWB showed up. For starters, I wasn't there and I don't know the whole story - I just get bits and pieces from the internet. And also - this story about XiaoXian isn't really my story to tell at all, it belongs to Maggie Mao and the rest of the kids who are from there.

I am going to share with you a part of it now, because it helps illustrate my point - foster care is a quiet miracle.

For the background story, I'm going to just cut and paste a big portion of the LWB blog here:

"One of our facilitators had visited this rural orphanage, which is on the border of the Henan and Anhui provinces, and he immediately contacted us to see if we could help. This orphanage’s well had basically run dry, and so the only water they could use was muddy, and unfortunately because of this, many of the babies had fallen ill. They also did not have any air conditioners, even though the temperatures were very hot, and they had old wooden cribs that were unsafe. The orphanage’s small kitchen area did not have a refrigerator to keep food cool, and they did not have a sterilizer for baby bottles. Also, their washer and dryer no longer worked, so the aunties had to clean diapers and then drape them over a coal stove to dry.
Our facilitator told us that the staff was SO very kind, and that the children were receiving love, but this rural town was very poor and so there just weren’t enough funds to meet all of the orphanage’s needs."

In other words, XiaoXian was in really tough shape. LWB went straight to work; getting donations, acquiring appliances and safe cribs, getting medical care for the kids, and digging a new well. LWB could have stopped there, a lot of organizations would have. But LWB isn't like others, they think bigger and when they thought about those XiaoXian kids, they knew that air conditioners are great - but a Mom and Dad are better. LWB gathered together the funds to place 20+ kids into foster care. No small feat, when the initial costs of placing one child into a foster home can approach $250.

I have seen with my own eyes what foster care does for these kids. Having a Mom and Dad, living in a real house with brothers and sisters, playing outside, helping to fix dinner, meeting the neighbors. We take so much of this for granted, and some kids don't know these things until they are well into their toddler years or older. Foster care takes "institutionalized" kids and turns them into "plain old kids". It gives these kids a chance at a real childhood.

Foster care is not flashy, it's not a heart or cleft surgery with quick results. Foster care is a quiet miracle.

I wish I could tell you that XiaoXian was a "one-off", that orphanages in China are all well funded and supplied. Unfortunately, in a lot of cases, the orphanage directors and nannies are long on love and short on resources. It breaks my heart to know that there are more orphanages out there just like XiaoXian that we are unable to help because we don't have the money.

A generous sponsor has come forward and agreed to match all donations to foster care up to $36,000 given between February 15 and March 15th. Let's not waste this chance to perform more quiet miracles in China. Please donate any amount to LWB's foster care fund by March 15th.

Thank you for taking the time to read this and for supporting our cause.
Mary
XiaoXian Foster Care Assistant Coordinator

**the picture at the top is of Maggie Mao before foster care - here's her after:

An update on our LWB babies

**Our Teratoma Yahoo group is not allowing me to post photos. Here are the updates on the two babies with teratomas that you so generously sponsored!**

Ruby is currently in foster care and is doing very well. She is a very good eater. She will be undergoing some exams soon to make sure she does not have cancer (this is a regular exam for teratoma babies). Thank you so much for making a difference in Ruby's life!”

Also a quick update on baby Margaret, she is in Shanghai and will have her teratoma removed tomorrow! I have been told "She is a quiet little girl and smiles a lot. Her surgery date is set for tomorrow. Please keep Margaret in your thoughts as she undergoes surgery. Thank you so much for your support!"

Shattered

My heart shattered into a million pieces yesterday.

I found Maggie's "finding ad" that the orphanage placed in the newspaper. And right there next to her, was our sponsored foster kid. Among all the newborns was this toddler, a kid with special needs who was loved by a family for 17 months before they were unable to care for her anymore.
17 months.

Shattered.

How do you heal up your heart that breaks every time it sees a sick kid or an orphan? How do you patch up the cracks when you find out the history and pain of the little ones you love?

I decided that there's only one thing I can do. I have to give those little pieces of my heart away. Give my heart back to the kids.

As I've been looking for my purpose in life, Love Without Boundaries has been popping up here and there. We support them, and sponsor our foster kid, and retweet cute pictures on Twitter, and hit up my Facebook friends for cash, but it never occurred to me that LWB could help me give my "heart pieces" away in a more true and meaningful way. A few weeks ago, I applied for a volunteer position with LWB, and yesterday afternoon brought some great news.

I am now the LWB Foster Care Assistant for XiaoXian, and my heart feels better today.

I Belong To You

When you were placed in my arms on that grey January day two years ago, I finally became what I always wanted to be - a mommy.








I knew from the first moment I saw your face on the computer 6 months earlier that you were meant to be mine, and that I was yours. The stars lined up, it was my fate, God led me to you - it doesn't matter how you phrase it, we were meant to be together. You fit perfectly into our lives and made us into a family.








On Mother's Day, I also have to remember that you had mothers before me, who loved you and cared for you just as much as I do. Your first mother, who loved you more than anything - but had to give you a chance at life and the surgery you so desperately needed. The a-yi's at the orphanage who took you in, fed you and made you healthy enough to go to the hospital, where another group of mothers nursed you back to health. The mothers at Love Without Boundaries who saw a need at your orphanage and started a Foster Care program. And then finally, your foster mother - who took you into her home and loved and cared for you until I came for you.

I am honored to be the last in this long line of mothers, your forever mother.

Know this little one, you are mine and I am yours.
I belong to you.

My Cute New Laptop

Here's a pic of my new Mini 10. Isn't she a little cutie? The old Nokia that I used to use and a standard size laptop (and a cute kid) are also in the picture.